Emotional supermarket

In one of the previous posts "don't get mad" I've talked of getting upset and expressing it. When I get upset with a close friend or family, there is a consequence to it.

And I mainly refer to emotions now.

For instance, I know that if I get upset with a friend who I feel didn't treat me well (for instance, arrived late without informing me in advance), there will be a price to it – that friend in turn, might get upset with me, since I make them feel uncomfortable, guilty or in the wrong here.

The situation could be uncomfortable for both of us, might even cause a quarrel between us. These possible results are the price tag on expressing my emotions (In the future I will address the subject of expressing emotions in an adequate and constructive way, but this isn't the topic now).

But what is the price I pay for NOT showing how I really feel about someone who doesn't treat me well?

There are 2 options here

1) Not giving myself permission to FEEL the way I do.

2) Not giving myself permission to EXPRESS MY FEELINGS.

In the 1^st option, I'm telling myself it's ok, no big deal. Actually, I'm lying to myself, either knowingly or unknowingly, i.e.: not being aware and not acknowledging my true feelings. But since life is indeed a supermarket, there will be a price for it: I will feel tense, I won't know why I don't feel at ease with that person, I will let this unaware anger to accumulate inside of me, and suddenly, without any apparent reason, I won't feel like being kind to that friend, or I'll snap at them, out of the blue. The friend – and I – won't even know what's wrong with me. And so I will be the person who suddenly behaves strangely or even badly, for no reason.

The 2nd option is that I feel anger, I'm aware of it, but I don't show it. I need to pretend that I'm ok (disimular) and try to behave "normally".

But knowing myself (and now it's not the "generic me", but I'm talking as ME, Miry, a person who's been working for many years on increasing my level of awareness and trying to live as authentically as possible), each time it gets harder for me to pretend I feel  something I don't (or pretend I don't feel something I do). It creates a lot of tension in me, and sooner or later this will take its toll: I might not want to meet that friend again if I can't be myself with them. Or I'll be cold and distant, trying to mask my feelings until I will seem and feel awkward. Or I'll keep collecting "anger-motives" towards them (I will look for excuses to get upset with them), until I'll explode, in a way that will seem over proportionate in a given moment.

So, yes: it's not always easy to turn to a friend, a relative or a work colleague and say "I am upset with your behavior/I am uncomfortable with you/please stop doing this thing". But I've discovered it's much less easy for me to keep swallowing frogs (I'm more of a roast chicken person). Or in other words – the price I pay for being sincere about my feelings seems much lower than the price I pay for pretending.

And how about you?

How true are you to yourself? How sincere are you in expressing yourself? And how much does it cost you?