Don’t get mad

"I've ruined your shirt, but don't get mad"

"Please don't get mad, but I've decided to go on vacation with another friend"

"I know I've arrived half an hour late, but don’t get mad"

I can go on, but I think we've all heard these sentences or their like in the past.

How do you feel when you hear such a sentence?

I get mad!

Not because of their content, but because of their message: "I can do whatever I want and you're not even entitled to your own feelings".

Since we're very young, we're told it's not ok to feel the way we do.

For instance, when a child wants to keep playing but their parents send them to bed – he gets angry, so he shouts or he cries. The reaction? In the older times it was "I'll give you a reason to cry ". When a child cries over not getting what they want, they don't need "a reason to cry". They have one, that's why they're crying.

The parent need to learn how to acknowledge that for the child this situation is undesirable and for not knowing how else to express their emotions – they cry.

A parent can teach a child how to better express their emotions, in a way that will be adequate or acceptable in society, but when they deny them the right to express an emotion, they deny them the right to feel it, for children don’t know how to separate an emotion from its expression.

And so these children grow and turn to adults who think they're not entitled to feel certain emotions and express them.

Let's take the most simple and common version – arriving late (I should know – I'm afraid the only thing I've inherited from my Swiss grandmother is the love for chocolate).

Most people regard lateness as a lack of respect towards them. Even those who know it is not directed against them, do not enjoy standing for 15 minutes in the street, waiting anxiously to the arrival of their date.

Of course, it's much more pleasant for the person arriving late to hear "it's ok, I don't mind."

But what if the person waiting does mind?

It is seen as "impolite" to get upset and so they are suppose to swallow their anger and pretend it is all well, just so that the person arriving late won't feel bad. Or are they?

Paraphrasing Shakespeare http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/William_Shakespeare , ("The merchant of Venice" http://shakespeare.mit.edu/merchant/full.html ) when something is funny I laugh, when something saddens me I cry and when something upsets me – I get mad!

It is of utmost importance – giving PERMISSION TO OURSELVES to experience and express our emotions. Yes, the permission – or the lack of it – only depends on us. Nobody can give or deny me permission to feel the way I do.

And so, when I remember to breath deep in spite of my anger, I can give myself permission to feel anger, if this is how I chose to feel. And I can tell the other person that I have a right to feel angry and even act angry, although it's uncomfortable for them, just as they have the right to arrive late.

If I remember to breath deep, I can express my anger in a constructive way (the kind which promotes communication with the others. Screaming and throwing things about the room isn't constructive, according to my experience), without trying to hide my anger or deny it. Perhaps the person in front of me won't enjoy it, but I think it's a small price to pay compared with not being able to be frank and sincere with the people around me.

In one of my next posts I will address the subject of learning how to assume our emotions, our way of expressing them and the consequences of doing it (and also of not doing it).

I will also address the difficulty of dealing with people around us, who might express feelings which are uncomfortable for us.

Life is a journey, not a Destination

Many of us think that life is about getting somewhere, that there are so many things to accomplish, many things to obtain.

We're suppose to become something, someone. We should climb some mountains, travel down some roads.

It's true that when climbing a mountain, it's nice to reach the top, get a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment. But what about the wonderful view spreading beneath us? Do we ever stop to look at it, or are we too anxious to reach our goal?

And when we do, do we look down there, take a deep breath, take in all the beauty, allow ourselves to appreciate the long way we've come, or are we busy looking for the next peak?

It seems like all we think about is the target: our eyes always on the map, finger glued to our final destination, that we're most likely to trip over a stone and fall…

How about looking around, enjoying the view, smelling the flowers, sitting down on a rock and having a sandwich, stretching our legs, resting?

Do you ever feel that you're always on the way to somewhere, but that you're never "there"?

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." Said John Lennon

I believe life is about living, not about getting somewhere.

Life is the travelling, climbing, experimenting, experiencing. And it is about learning: everywhere, all the time. Learning the world, learning yourself. And all this learning can only be done by the travelling. There's no learning in the "getting". You get the "getting" only after you've done some travelling.

And then there are the expectations: we imagine great things "when…": when we'll finish university, when we are older, when we'll "find the one" or have children or have this desired job or win the lottery. When…then everything will be perfect, our life will be perfect, we'll be perfect.

But do we ever reach the "when…"? Do we ever feel that THIS is what we were waiting for, what we've expected? Or do we rush to look for our next objective, next goal?

The journey is its own reward. Just like the famous cult movie "the wizard of Oz", it's not the wizard who gave the main characters what they were looking for, it's the journey they've been through that made them grow, learn and most of all – learn to appreciate themselves. Even thought they weren't perfect.

Maybe it's time to have less "to-do" lists, feel less stressed and worried like we're missing something, like we should be doing or having something that we don't. Maybe we can just be from time to time, maybe we can stop to smell the flowers (while we're still above the groundJ).

Maybe we can enjoy the moment. All the moments which make a life.

A wonderful Greek poet said it before me, and with much finer choice of words. Thank you Rosita for introducing me to the Great Kavafis.

ITHACA / K.P. Kavafis

As you set out for Ithaca
hope that your journey is a long one,
full of adventure, full of discovery.
Laistrygonians and Cyclops,
angry Poseidon-don't be afraid of them:
you'll never find things like that on your way
as long as you keep your thoughts raised high,
as long as a rare sensation
touches your spirit and your body.
Laistrygonians and Cyclops,
wild Poseidon-you won't encounter them
unless you bring them along inside your soul,
unless your soul sets them up in front of you.

Hope that your journey is a long one.
May there be many summer mornings when,
with what pleasure, what joy,
you come into harbors you're seeing for the first time;
may you stop at Phoenician trading stations
to buy fine things,
mother of pearl and coral, amber and ebony,
sensual perfume of every kind-
as many sensual perfumes as you can;
and may you visit many Egyptian cities
to learn and learn again from those who know.

Keep Ithaca always in your mind.
Arriving there is what you're destined for.
But do not hurry the journey at all.
Better if it lasts for years,
so that you're old by the time you reach the island,
wealthy with all you have gained on the way,
not expecting Ithaca to make you rich.
Ithaca gave you the marvelous journey.
Without her you would have not set out.
She has nothing left to give you now.

And if you find her poor, Ithaca won't have fooled you.
Wise as you will have become, so full of experience,
you will have understood by then what these Ithacas mean.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1n3n2Ox4Yfk

Our deepest fear

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?… Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory … within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we subconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Marianne Williamson

Whenever I read this beautiful piece I feel inspired, exalted, as if I were 3 meters tall. I want to shine with all that I have in me and want to see "shining" people all around me: people who don't wear masks, who dare being who they are, who feel good and deserving of love and respect and who treat their fellow men with respect.

So why don't I see more shining people around me?

 Fear is the first emotion we have and the most important one, since it's a life saving emotion: it teaches us to stay away from danger.

But what happens when we become hyper-sensitive and we identify innocent things as danger? That is one of the reasons why human beings have many fears and in the future I will try to address some of them.

But I wanted my first post to be about the kind of fear which is mentioned above. And that is because I believe that overcoming this fear will allow us to have wonderful life: because when we won't be afraid to feel deserving we will be able to be happy.

An analyst would try to give reasons as to why we have this fear:

Maybe we don't want to stick out because we want to be just like anyone else. Or perhaps it's because we're afraid people will be jealous of us and therefore won't love us. Or could it be the famous Judeo-Christian culture which raised us to be modest and humble and reject compliments?

But I'm not an analyst and I feel sad about so many people in this world who try to play down their virtues and qualities, try to blend in, "be just like everyone else".

None of us is just like "everyone else" – we are all unique and special. But we're afraid this will make us lonely, isolated: if I'm unique than I don't have anything in common with other people. Of course this isn't true and we have a lot in common with other people, but it is our uniqueness which enriches our relationships and the world.

How wonderful would it be if this world will be full of people who walk tall and don't need to make anybody small in order to feel good about themselves.

People who feel sure about themselves and therefore are calm, pleasant and generous.

I hope you give yourself permission to shine and be proud to be who you are, allowing yourself to be special and allowing the world to enjoy your uniqueness.

Emotional supermarket

In one of the previous posts "don't get mad" I've talked of getting upset and expressing it. When I get upset with a close friend or family, there is a consequence to it.

And I mainly refer to emotions now.

For instance, I know that if I get upset with a friend who I feel didn't treat me well (for instance, arrived late without informing me in advance), there will be a price to it – that friend in turn, might get upset with me, since I make them feel uncomfortable, guilty or in the wrong here.

The situation could be uncomfortable for both of us, might even cause a quarrel between us. These possible results are the price tag on expressing my emotions (In the future I will address the subject of expressing emotions in an adequate and constructive way, but this isn't the topic now).

But what is the price I pay for NOT showing how I really feel about someone who doesn't treat me well?

There are 2 options here

1) Not giving myself permission to FEEL the way I do.

2) Not giving myself permission to EXPRESS MY FEELINGS.

In the 1^st option, I'm telling myself it's ok, no big deal. Actually, I'm lying to myself, either knowingly or unknowingly, i.e.: not being aware and not acknowledging my true feelings. But since life is indeed a supermarket, there will be a price for it: I will feel tense, I won't know why I don't feel at ease with that person, I will let this unaware anger to accumulate inside of me, and suddenly, without any apparent reason, I won't feel like being kind to that friend, or I'll snap at them, out of the blue. The friend – and I – won't even know what's wrong with me. And so I will be the person who suddenly behaves strangely or even badly, for no reason.

The 2nd option is that I feel anger, I'm aware of it, but I don't show it. I need to pretend that I'm ok (disimular) and try to behave "normally".

But knowing myself (and now it's not the "generic me", but I'm talking as ME, Miry, a person who's been working for many years on increasing my level of awareness and trying to live as authentically as possible), each time it gets harder for me to pretend I feel  something I don't (or pretend I don't feel something I do). It creates a lot of tension in me, and sooner or later this will take its toll: I might not want to meet that friend again if I can't be myself with them. Or I'll be cold and distant, trying to mask my feelings until I will seem and feel awkward. Or I'll keep collecting "anger-motives" towards them (I will look for excuses to get upset with them), until I'll explode, in a way that will seem over proportionate in a given moment.

So, yes: it's not always easy to turn to a friend, a relative or a work colleague and say "I am upset with your behavior/I am uncomfortable with you/please stop doing this thing". But I've discovered it's much less easy for me to keep swallowing frogs (I'm more of a roast chicken person). Or in other words – the price I pay for being sincere about my feelings seems much lower than the price I pay for pretending.

And how about you?

How true are you to yourself? How sincere are you in expressing yourself? And how much does it cost you?

Life is a supermarket – Prices

Last time I've talked of how life is like a supermarket in the sense that we can do (shop) as we please, but in the end we get to the cashier and have to pay – these are the consequences of our actions.

If life is a supermarket, I think that as good consumers, we must learn to shop wisely. And the first step is to understand the concept of PRICE.

When I was 19 I spent 2 months in Geneva and discovered there an amazing thing – the concept of "price per kilo". At first I didn't understand it and saw it as another eccentricity of the Swiss. In face of the huge variety of cheese in all tastes, shapes and sizes, I would simply buy what I thought to be the cheapest cheese (I was a young student on a limited budget). But I wondered  why would the Swiss waste time, money and ink on writing the price per kilo? This is when I've realized that it's the only indication as to the REAL PRICE of things. Not always the lowest price was the cheapest: sometimes I paid less because the piece of cheese I got was much smaller or the quality of cheese was poorer.

Well, the same can be applied to life: only when we're aware of the "price per kilo" we can make a wise choice.

But how do I calculate it? I'm not sure there's just one answer, since I think it has to do with the context and also with the person involve. And there are so many kinds of "coins". But one idea which helps me work it out is the concept of "trade-off".

A simple example: it's Sunday afternoon and a friend invites me to go to the cinema and watch a movie I'd like to watch. Another good friend, whom I haven't seen in a long time, tells me the only time he's available in the next few weeks is just on this afternoon. And I'm a bit tired so I fantasize of a long siesta. So – the price of any activity I chose is the loss of the other activities.

That is a (sad?) fact of life.

But – if instead of stomping with anger at the need to give up on things I'd look at what I've chosen, what I've gained, I might not only learn about the price of things, I can learn about the VALUE of things.

Because my choices, their consequences and prices, are the image of who I am: my values, my priorities in life. Seeing how much I'm willing to sacrifice in order to get something, shows me how important it is for me.

For instance, working overtime earns me money and prestige but make me loose precious time with my spouse and children.

If I think it's too high a price, maybe it's time to reconsider my shopping cart.

But – if I do stand behind my "shopping choices", it might restore value to many of the things I forgot to appreciate.

And what of those who can't decide?  Are you such a person? Do you really want something or someone else, who doesn't take your personality, value, likes and dislike into account, to make decisions for you?

Because those who don't decide let chance or other people chose for them. Maybe they feel it exempts them from responsibility, but it definitely takes away their control over their life. And they still have to "pay" (bear the consequences of what "happen to them"), only they didn't chose this product themselves. That is why I think they pay the highest price.

Are you ready to look carefully at your cart and check those prices? I wish you a pleasant shopping experience.