"I've
ruined your shirt, but don't get mad"
"Please
don't get mad, but I've decided to go on vacation with another friend"
"I
know I've arrived half an hour late, but don’t get mad"
I
can go on, but I think we've all heard these sentences or their like in the
past.
How
do you feel when you hear such a sentence?
I
get mad!
Not
because of their content, but because of their message: "I can do whatever
I want and you're not even entitled to your own feelings".
Since
we're very young, we're told it's not ok to feel the way we do.
For
instance, when a child wants to keep playing but their parents send them to bed
– he gets angry, so he shouts or he cries. The reaction? In the older times it
was "I'll give you a reason to cry ". When a child cries over not
getting what they want, they don't need "a reason to cry". They have
one, that's why they're crying.
The
parent need to learn how to acknowledge that for the child this situation is
undesirable and for not knowing how else to express their emotions – they cry.
A
parent can teach a child how to better express their emotions, in a way that
will be adequate or acceptable in society, but when they deny them the right to
express an emotion, they deny them the right to feel it, for children don’t
know how to separate an emotion from its expression.
And
so these children grow and turn to adults who think they're not entitled to feel
certain emotions and express them.
Let's
take the most simple and common version – arriving late (I should know – I'm afraid
the only thing I've inherited from my Swiss grandmother is the love for
chocolate).
Most
people regard lateness as a lack of respect towards them. Even those who know it
is not directed against them, do not enjoy standing for 15 minutes in the
street, waiting anxiously to the arrival of their date.
Of
course, it's much more pleasant for the person arriving late to hear "it's
ok, I don't mind."
But
what if the person waiting does mind?
It
is seen as "impolite" to get upset and so they are suppose to swallow
their anger and pretend it is all well, just so that the person arriving late
won't feel bad. Or are they?
Paraphrasing
Shakespeare http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/William_Shakespeare
, ("The merchant of Venice" http://shakespeare.mit.edu/merchant/full.html
) when something is funny I laugh, when something saddens me I cry and when
something upsets me – I get mad!
It
is of utmost importance – giving PERMISSION TO OURSELVES to experience and
express our emotions. Yes, the permission – or the lack of it – only depends on
us. Nobody can give or deny me permission to feel the way I do.
And
so, when I remember to breath deep in spite of my anger, I can give myself
permission to feel anger, if this is how I chose to feel. And I can tell the
other person that I have a right to feel angry and even act angry, although
it's uncomfortable for them, just as they have the right to arrive late.
If
I remember to breath deep, I can express my anger in a constructive way (the
kind which promotes communication with the others. Screaming and throwing
things about the room isn't constructive, according to my experience), without
trying to hide my anger or deny it. Perhaps the person in front of me won't
enjoy it, but I think it's a small price to pay compared with not being able to
be frank and sincere with the people around me.
In
one of my next posts I will address the subject of learning how to assume our
emotions, our way of expressing them and the consequences of doing it (and also
of not doing it).
I
will also address the difficulty of dealing with people around us, who might
express feelings which are uncomfortable for us.
